I got my whole life planned and falling in love with you wasn’t part of it.
When everyone was too busy starting their own family, I was keen on improving myself, I was full of ambition and fervor, nothing and no one can convince me to do things differently. I had a plan and my plan was bigger than anyone who has an issue with my plans…I’m bad that way but who cares. I know in my heart that I will never be truly happy if I didn’t go for what I have always wanted.
I’ve had my fair share of happiness from loving and being loved, had enough memories to last me a lifetime and I figured that’s good enough for me. I was happy when I was in a relationship but I was happier being just by myself.
I got my whole life planned but oh my word, you came and wreak havoc. I mean, love, why now? I know timing is a b*tch but why, just why now when everything seems to be going my way and love isn’t welcome? Now, don’t take it the wrong way. What I am really trying to say is, I had my whole life plan but I can forgo and forget everything and start over again because you are more important than everything else.
You came and in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before. Some people will shake their heads, some probably want to hit me in the head but I mean, a love like this comes only once in a lifetime, there’s not even a single word I can think of to explain how it’s like.
In a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once, and never again. They say when it’s the right time, you’ll know it’s time and when it’s the one, you’ll know it right away, and that’s what it was. You were my game changer, the catalyst of change, my soul mate, the one.
Love, consider yourself both lucky and cursed because loving me isn’t easy, you know that very well by now but if there’s one thing I can always assure you, that’s the fact that I’m in love with you…
I love you with all my being ,
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and health,
until death do us part.
PS. I love how you always tell me that we will make things right before God and our parents. I’ll see you soon and meet you in the altar, love.
If I would have to describe my mom in one word, I’d say she’s an angel. This was not the case back then. Why? Let me take you back in time, back when I was nothing but a rotten brat and all I think about was myself.
I am very much aware that I’ll be humiliating myself but that’s beside the point and it doesn’t matter at all. I just want the world to know how great of a person my mom is.
My siblings and I were raised in a very strict manner. I always joke about it as being brought up under the martial law and dad was like Marcos or Hitler. It was so tyrannical (that’s how I view it anyway) that I ended up hating my parents.
My dad’s a retired police officer and back then, he was the scariest dad in the whole universe. His kind of discipline was so tough, strict and cold that we, my siblings and I, became detached, uncaring, unloving, uncommunicative and very reserved.
Dad used to discipline and hit us over what seemed to be small mistakes. He’d use stick, belt, anything close to him whenever he’s in a fit of fury. Before you react violently, my dad is a GREAT dad and personally, now that I am able to actually think and feel, I realised that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was.
Back then, my dad would punish us whenever we’d get bad grades, and by bad grades, I mean anything below 90. He’d be so mad if we don’t read our books and he’d throw things that we value away. Mom was strict too but nothing like dad. She was just very particular about going to grandma’s to pray the Angelus and the rosary every afternoon at 6 o’clock. She’s very strict about going to church too.
I took after my dad, stubborn, rebellious and unyielding so despite my fears, I did not bother obeying him. Whilst my brother decided to keep quiet and obey the rules, I went the other way and provoked my dad even more.
Young as I was, I learnt to ditch my classes, fake sickness, bully my siblings and not study what I’m supposed to study. While my brother was doing great in everything, winning all the contests at school, bringing home all the gold medals and ending up as the first honor of their batch, I ended up as the class’s worst student because instead of going to school, I’d hide at grandma’s, or throw a fit because I didn’t want to go to school and whenever I’m that bad, my mom would just let me be and pamper me.
I was on grade 4 when I got the hardest form of discipline that I told my parents in a very bad tone and disrespectful manner that I can also be like my brother, I just chose not to because I do not see any reason why I have to do good. Of course, I am now ashamed of this behaviour, that’s how rotten to core I was and I’m certainly not proud of it. My mom didn’t flinch though. She simply told me that she knew in her heart that I also have what my brother has. She told me not to hide what I’m capable of. She encouraged me and brought more books of my liking and pampered me even more.
And so I did what I was told. I came up to the teacher and told her that I’d like to challenge the then representative for the science quiz bee. I wasn’t taken seriously, what with my absences and all but I was allowed to compete. And compete I did and won.
It was the first time I’ve achieved something and I was quite happy about it but my dad wasn’t. Oh my dad was so hard to please. But my mom shrugged it off and continued supporting me. They must’ve seen how I somehow changed. Together, my grandparents and mom gave in to all of my whims (which, in my opinion wasn’t that good as I turned out to be even more bratty).
I continued doing great at school, like my brother, I became the school’s representative but every now and then, I’d relapse and shut everyone out. I am happiest when I’m on my own and doing my business.
Then came Grade 6, the year when one’s supposed to leave a legacy and be forever remembered (in our place anyway). I did well, represented not just the school but the whole province for the science competition but my dad still wasn’t pleased. Oh my dad, my gosh, come on, you! As it is, my dad was very hard to please.
So I decided the heck with it, nobody really cares whether I do good or not and so I went back to ditching my classes and being nasty at school. I was punished more than my brother but I couldn’t care less. I’d look at my mom with much hatred and defiance while I’m being disciplined and hit with a belt by dad.
Of course I’m clueless about how my mom felt back then but I figured she must be very hurt. Hurt seeing us, her children, being hit, hurt that her daugher was glowering at her. I will never know how much pain I’ve caused her everytime I’d scowl at her. She never really made her feelings obvious. Instead, she’d simply do her motherly duties and pampered me, and gave me all my demands but rotten as I was, I never really appreciated her.
I used to blame my mom for not stepping in and standing up for us when dad’s mad as a hornet because how could she not, she is our mother for crying out loud! Bad and bully as I was, I’m still the ate and I feel protective over my siblings so I hated her silence so much that I started hating her too. It was hard to watch my siblings being “disciplined” and getting hit, young, small and frail-looking as they were. It made me wonder how my mom handled it all those years and how she must’ve felt, because if you’ll ask me, all I’ve felt was anger.
My dad sure has a temper but mom never gets mad. When I think about it, I’ve never seen my parents in a fight. I don’t know whether they were just that good in hiding it from us or we we’re simply too oblivious. It’s also possible that they never really had a big fight because knowing mom, she won’t make a fuss about anything, she’d simply pray. She’d always answer dad in her soft voice. She’d raise her voice from time to time but she’d be back to her usual self before the day ended. She’s very soft, gentle and kind. She’s always smiling and singing songs of worship, praising God.
If I’d sum up my life, it went in a blur, with me leaving streaks of rebellion everywhere. While my brother’s way of insubordination was simply not talking and ignoring all of us, I did the opposite. I was out of control, I sure made a mess and made everybody miserable.
Years of suppressed hatred, angst and sadness all exploded one day when I was in college. My mom, however, didn’t give up on me. I thought even dad, who was very strict, softened up a bit. He has somehow changed and gave me whatever I wanted. One text and he’d send me money. He was mad, that I’m sure, but he didn’t say anything, he wasn’t as bad as he was. He simply let me be and didn’t punish me for being defiant.
Mom travelled back and forth to Manila where I’m studying and to the province, where everyone was. She stayed with me even when I’m completely ignoring her. She’d keep on talking as if I am one good company, prepared everything for me without mentioning anything about my bad behaviour. She simply kept praying and singing her songs of worship.
Forced to study nursing, I tried to do what I could do but without much enthusiasm. I was also tired of being pitted against my brother. When I thought I’ve had enough of everything, I bent out of shape and went on the warpath, just like dad. I screamed in fury, wrecked things shamelessly but through it all, my mom stood strong yet gentle and loving. She didn’t get mad and I wasn’t punished. She was smiling as kind and warm as Mama Mary, as always. When I told her I want to quit, she just hugged me, cried and prayed. And that is how it all began. My healing.
You never really know what pain is until you see your mother cry because of you. And when I saw mom crying while praying, my heart broke into million pieces. It was so heartbreaking that I was shaken to the core. I thought all the pain I’ve ever felt was nothing compared to her pain. And that was when I understood, how hard it was for her, all these years, to carry such heavy burden of having cold, detached and uncaring kids.
I was never an open person, I may talk a lot with my friends but at home, I was always reserved, for fear of saying something that would spark my dad’s fuse, for fear of being punished over something small and insignificant matter. But when I saw my mom’s tears, I realized how wrong it was of me to put up walls between us. All she ever did was love us unconditionally and all she ever got in return were cold responses from all of her children, including me. It took me years of practice to get used to being blunt about how I feel. I have always been cautious and scared of expressing how I feel but now, I take every chance I get to tell them I love them, no matter how mushy it may seem and no matter how hard it is to say it, especially when I know I’ll just be ignored.
I started noticing my mom more and I can now see the sadness behind her smiles. I couldn’t quite believe it when, for the first time, I took notice of her wrinkles, it was unbelievable. My mom couldn’t possibly have aged right? And now what? She has wrinkles? No way! To me she’s always this petite, young-looking, forever-smiling, gentle woman.
But my mom has really aged, those years of enduring God-knows-what-kind of sufferings have finally taken its toll on her. But other than her physical appearance, she is still the same woman I used to know, same mother, always smiling, always happy, always singing songs of worship.
My frozen heart thawed out and is now filled with love. I have learned to forgive, forget and understand people in ways I couldn’t imagine, all thanks to my mom. I mean, if she can handle me when I was at my worst, plus a couple more of stubborn, unresponsive children, what excuse have I got to not be able to understand and love an unlovable person?
And when I think of all of it and who I am now, I realised that I owe my mom my best attribute, my patience and compassion. Thanks to my mom’s unwavering resolve and countless prayers, I’ve learnt about compassion and love despite dad’s iron-fisted way of upbringing. I could finally say that maybe, just maybe, I am ready to become the person my mother wants me to be.
I still have a long way to go though, that I’m sure of, but I know as long as I have my mom, I’ll be okay. She is my guardian angel personified. She saved me from myself and from going down the bottomless pit of nothingness with her tenderness and unconditional love.
I am at peace knowing that everything will be okay because I was trained really good by no less than my great parents; dad, who has seen and experienced hardships I cannot imagine, taught me to be strong, independent and tough, and mom balanced it out by pouring her soul out and teaching me to be good, forgiving, patient, loving and compassionate.
My mom’s words are enough to calm my nerves whenever I feel sad, scared and stressed. Her comforting words work like magic, taking away the heavy feeling in an instant. Her warmth made me warm and her love taught me how to love, no holds barred and without condition. Her smiles, words of wisdom and prayers are my beacons in the dark.
Her prayers are very powerful, it healed me,
it turned the table upside down and changed me.
Her face radiates beauty, calmness and peace,
anyone who’d look at her would feel at ease.
She is small and petite, yet her heart is so big.
She emanates so much warmth that all resentment, animosity and hatred
I’ve harbored and ever felt in the past melted.
And when I asked her how she was able to manage it all,
she smiled and said “you just have to put God first above all”.
She is an angel.
Her name befits her.
She is DIVINE.
.Happy Mothers Day!
All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother -Abraham Lincoln
These are but a few questions I’ve been recently getting from friends and people whom I haven’t heard from for a long time and recently connected through Facebook.
It was, at first, exasperating. I mean, it’s nobody’s business but mine. But I guess, that’s how it is, people get curious, people wonder, people assume, people talk about people. After being asked for what seemed like a million times, all I can do is smile and tease them that they shouldn’t worry about it since I’m not a bit worried about me “getting old and unmarried”.
Most of my friends already have a family of their own. Some even have more than three kids already, which I still find unbelievable mainly because I cannot fathom how they manage the crazy life. Sometimes I think about it; I don’t know but it gives me the chills and goosebumps. I just can’t imagine a life without sleep, a life full of tears because of a crying, sick child. And no, I’m not being pessimistic and cynical here. Like everybody else, I too, want to have a child of my own but not right now, not anytime sooner. I know, I know, I’m weird and crazy.
I’d often have an argument about it with one of my bestfriends. She nags me more than my mom does. She keeps on telling me that if I have no intention to settle down any time soon, I should at least have a baby before I turn 30 otherwise my uterus will atrophy and expire. Ugh.
Still, I am not, in any way concerned nor in a hurry to get hitched. I always thought that marriage is not something that could validate or strengthen love. Even married couples do break up. So why would I bother getting married and have a baby just because everybody is doing it and everybody is expecting me to get married? Whoa, did I just say that out loud? Sorry, that’s my other personality talking and she’s being pessimistic! Okay fine, I admit I am scared, too scared to commit to the wrong person because to me, marriage is sacred and marriage means lifetime. Until I’m sure I found the one, I’m not settling down.
In a culture where love and having someone as a partner is a big thing and, where everybody is overly concerned about one’s love life, it is hard to explain why you aren’t like the rest. In a society where validation mostly comes from having a partner and everyone seems to be in a hurry to settle down, people would always first assume that there is something wrong about you that’s why you’re still single despite your age.
The hardest and probably silliest of all judgment you could possibly get from being “old”, single and unwed is you being undesirable. I can’t help but roll my eyes for that is absolutely one sick idea. Whoever thought of this must be smacked in the head. Being in a relationship does not equate to beauty, being single doesn’t mean you’re the ugliest girl in town. Those are but ideas of people with shallow minds. Do not let it affect you. Self-esteem ladies, where’s your self-esteem?
My boyfriend of 8 years (now an ex) nearly gave me a heart attack the last time I went home for a very short visit last 2012. We we’re dining in a fancy restaurant and he took out a jewelry box out of his pocket. First thing I thought of? Either run or slap him. It wasn’t the usual happy and feverish excitement normal women feel when they thought they’re getting a proposal. On the contrary, I was scared and mad, you bet I was absolutely furious. I told him later on about how I felt and he told me he did think of proposing. It freaked me out I couldn’t help but scream “don’t you dare!”
Tons of times we talked about marriage and I’d always say okay, sure, yes; yet every time, half of me would protest indignantly. Why? I don’t know, that’s just how I felt. And they say the key to happiness is to follow your heart so I followed my heart, I said no with finality.
My point is, marriage is very important and sacred so you really have to think about it, if possible, more than a million times over. A long relationship is not a guarantee that your marriage life will be great. Being single and unmarried when you’re supposed to be settling down like the rest of your friends does not make you awful and undesired, nor does it make you less of a person.
But the social stigma is really strong on this one, more on women I must say. Already, people have started teasing me about becoming “matandang dalaga”. But come on, late twenties isn’t old. It’s the perfect time to do what you have to do to have that bright future you’ve always dreamed of.
Do not settle just because you think the world is telling you that you’re nothing without a partner. Your worth is not defined by having a partner, please get your head and facts straight. If you succumb to peer and society pressure, you’ll most likely end up with the wrong man.
Love is a wonderful feeling and all of us have a strong need to love and be loved but that should’t be a reason for you to jump and join the bandwagon just because you feel like being left alone and an outcast.
Same goes for everyone in an unhappy, loveless relationship. Oftentimes, the reason why we stay in a relationship even if it’s no longer working is our fears. Fear of being an outcast, fear of being a laughingstock, fear of being left out, fear of going out of your comfort zone. A lot of people choose to hold on because they fear that if they let go, they won’t be able to find someone who will love and accept them as they are. Again, do not let society manipulate you and make you think that you are not worthy enough to find someone better.
There will always be someone better and have you forgotten? God has a plan for you even when you don’t see and feel it. The right one will come along, at the right time. And if nobody can accept and love you as you, what the heck, live like you own the world. Life is more beautiful than you think it is. Let go of all the hurt and fears. Let go of the idea that you need to have a partner to be happy.
I have nothing against women who jump from relationship to relationship in hopes of finding the one. We all have our own things and with our differences come different choices and perspectives but I’d rather stick to my core. I believe in long term relationships, I mean if it can’t survive the long term, why else would I invest my time and emotions in it?
A great love story does not just happen. It happens when it’s supposed to happen, at the right time and with the right person. Yes, timing is everything but timing is a bitch, so they said. However, that doesn’t change the fact that in order for you to actually find your better half, you should learn to wait and be patient.
Love is not just about being in a relationship. Love has to start in you, so love yourself more. How can you love someone else when you cannot love even yourself? When you are whole, everything will be better and before you even know it, the right person and the kind of love you want and deserve will come.
Life isn’t all about romantic love and having a partner. Have you not notice? The main cause of your unhappiness is also love? Your unreal expectations and longing will make you even more lonely. All you ever wanted was to be loved and all you ever felt was sadness. That’s how it is when you’re with the wrong person and the wrong kind of love. So take it easy and enjoy. Do not be anxious and do not be hasty, for love takes time.
Do not say yes to the first person who took notice of you and do not commit right away just because somebody told you he loves you. Words mean nothing if the actions mean otherwise. And above all, do not look for love, let it find you. Life is too short to be unhappy and to be with someone who isn’t right for you. Pray and ask the Lord for signs if he really is the one.
Do not let the imaginary fireworks and bells be your guide. You may feel over the top right now and assume he’s the one but that might not be true. Think of Christian Grey. I’ve seen a couple of people on Facebook saying how much they’d want to have a boyfriend like Christian Grey. We all want that kind of love, surreal and so great that we forget everything else. A love so intense it sets you ablaze. For most of us, that’s the kind of love we all want.
But the Buddhists say “If you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your soulmate, you’ll feel calm, no anxiety, no agitation” (Monica Drake, Clown Girl).
You want Christian Grey to be your boyfriend, seriously? Do you want to be physically, mentally and emotionally abused? Honestly, why would you settle for a guy like that? Don’t you have any self-love? What I’m saying is, Christian Grey could be the ideal man for all he’s worth, good looking, rich, sexy, kind but he also takes pleasure from inflicting pain on others. Is that the kind of love you want to have? One day you’re over the moon and one day you’re a ball of pain and shattered?
Have you heard of that stupid cliche about the world stopping when you see that other person, just like in the movies? It did happen to me, once, a long time ago. Oh young love, sweet love. It was undeniably great but it was one hell of a roller coaster ride. It’s been ages but thinking of him still makes my heart flutter, it was so intense that I had to fight it with every ounce of willpower I have for years because this, I’ve learnt, is not the right kind of love.
This kind of fierce, passionate and intense love will draw out every bit of strength and sanity in you and consume you. Yes it will set you ablaze and you’ll burn. Yes you will be happy beyond words but it could also break you in ways unimaginable. It’s so intense it’ll drive you insane, crush you and kill your soul. A word of advice, if you can, fight it and stay away from it.
A good love is a love worth waiting for. A love that hits your core and touches your soul. A love that makes you feel at peace and content with life. You will never have to question your decisions because you can feel that every cells in your body is in agreement. The kind of love that makes your heart giddy but not anxious. A good love will never make you feel that you have to change yourself just to please your partner.
Wait for the one who makes you happy and confident. Do not waste your time over someone who makes you feel unsure of yourself and insecure. You are a great person and you need someone as great as you, not someone who makes you feel as if you are lacking.
Choose wisely is a term apt for everything else, including love. Choose who you will love for you’ll be investing so much in it, emotions, time and basically your whole life. Love not the person who knows how to play the game but love the person who will do everything for you. Love someone who respects your feelings, someone who sees your worth and treasure you as if you are the queen. Be wary of guys who are good at words, you’d most likely shed lots of tears. We should always give benefit of the doubt but bear in mind, once a cheater, always a cheater, so be careful not to fall right away with someone who has a history of cheating.
Love someone who can balance the craziness in you. Someone who pushes you to do good and makes you strive to be a better person. If you like someone or you’re with someone who brings out all the demons in you, run. Do not inflict your soul by harboring wicked thoughts. Anyone who is good and who loves you will never make you the worst version of yourself. So if you’re in a relationship and all it ever does to you is to think of bad and sad things, abandon the ship mate and save yourself before it’s too late, before you become a monster. That man is not the right one for you.
Love comes with responsibility and maturity. It isn’t always about saying I love you. It’s about knowing the consequences of those words and being responsible for whatever love brings. Run away from a guy who tells you he loves you but won’t do a thing to prepare for the future.
You have to realise that one of the reasons why you decided to be in a relationship is the fact that you see the two of you having a future together. It may be sweet but if all he ever does is tell you he loves you, run. One day, when the reality of life both hit you, that fire will die. Love, with all the joys it bring, must not be oblivious to reality. One of my life’s motto “never believe that love is all you need, love alone won’t fill up hungry babies”.
True love is worth the wait. Staying single, taking all the time you need before deciding to get married is not being picky or prude. It simply means you know your worth and besides, it’s your life and future at stake so you might as well take in charge of the things you have control over.
What will you do if at the end of your journey you will see a book about you? At the end of the book, the name of the person meant for you and all the good things that could’ve possibly happened if only you knew how to wait was written on it. Will you cry in regret? Will you wish to turn back the time, be wiser and not hastily jump in a relationship? Sadly, you can’t do that.
Life already has tons of mediocre things but love shouldn’t be one of them. You deserve all the best and glorious things in life and love is one of them. If you were happy with the wrong one, how much more when the right one comes along? So wait.
And while you wait, pray. Pray for a man who will love you unconditionally through thick and thin. Pray for a man who will try his hardest to give you the life you deserve. Pray for a man who will cherish you the most. Pray that your man will have a heart so pure, kind, gentle and faithful. Pray for a man who will not undermine your worth and is happy that he has you in his life. Pray for a man who knows how to stay away from temptations and pray for someone whose love never wavers. Pray for someone whose heart is soft that he cries when you’re not alright but tough that he takes the lead when you’re lost. Pray for a man who will never abandon you in times of despair and confusion. Pray for someone who knows what he’s got. Pray for someone you can trust and lastly, pray for someone who prays because love, in order to last, has to have a strong foundation, God…
…and pray that the man isn’t one of your exes because duh, history has a habit of repeating itself. So if the relationship ended badly and you hate history, never ever forget the reason why it didn’t work out.(peace) 👅✌️
Men are, as they say, polygamous in nature. This, however, is not true for all because I do know a couple of them that are quite faithful and content with their partners. But then again, we do all know na madaming manloloko dito sa mundo. So why do men cheat nga ba? Oh for crying out loud, how on earth would I know when I’m girl!
On a serious note, I have a couple of good male friends and though I asked them hundreds of times why men cheat on their partners/girlfriends/wives, I have not found a satisfactory answer that would make my inquisitive mind from ever wondering; but I did get some interesting answers. Some I find silly and annoying and some, amusing. So, after a couple of what seemed to be a normal and harmless chismisan with my friends, here’s what I’ve come up with as to why men cheat:
Yeah. For some, it’s nothing but fun. I think, these men think that whatever they are doing is okay because at the end of the day, they would always come “home”. By home, I mean the real girlfriend/wife. Sabi ng isa kong kaibigang lalake, kahit daw tumitikim sya ng iba, iisa lang ang mahal nya. Sa dictionary daw kasi ng lalake, iba ang mahal sa gusto, iba ang mahal sa trip lang at iba ang mahal sa panandaliang kaligayahan. Medyo masarap batukan this friend of mine but for the sake of knowing and understanding, tumaas lang ang kilay ko and I told him to please continue talking. Napag-alaman ko na kahit gano pa daw kamahal ng lalake ang isang babae, may time talaga na they find things boring kaya they resort to cheating because it saves them from having a monotonous, dull and boring life.
My take: fun pala ang gusto, bakit di kausapin si gf na gumawa ng something fun? Being in a relationship doesn’t mean being sweet and mushy all the time. My friend would often complain bakit daw ang mga babae masyadong seryoso at lahat may meaning. Kapag may serious gf daw nagiging boring na ang buhay dahil lahat dapat approve at alam ni girlfriend. Sa barangay ka magreklamo kuya, ganon kasi talaga yun. Kidding aside, medyo normal lang naman na magsasabi ka sa partner mo ng tungkol sa mga ginagawa mo. That’s what relationship is about, mutual understanding and respect for each other. Well, I’m pretty sure men are aware of these things even before the relationship diba? You wanted to be in a relationship with this girl and you did everything you could to win her, so why the heck are you complaining now? Fun is subjective. You can never enjoy and be happy if you keep lookin’ for more. Let’s say nainlove ka sa seryosong klase ng babae, ano, ineexpect mo ba na magiging bagong nilalang yung dati mong nililigawan after kang sagutin? Nope. You entered a relationship kaya dapat ready ka and if you’re bored, it’s your obligation to spice things up. Eh kung ikaw ang lokohin ng gf mo at ang reason nya ay bored sya? Kaya ng ego mo ihandle yan? That’s why maging si Nanette Inventor ka, invent ways to make things rolling; gawa ng paraan. Why not find an activity that both of you would enjoy right? Cheating as an excuse because you’re bored makes you nothing but a douchebag.
And for the girls, fun daw ang gusto ni bf, what are you waiting for? Itali yan at dalhin sa Macau at mag bungee jumping o dun sa Bohol at mag cliff diving o kaya naman sky diving baby wooh! Death defying, adrenaline rush activities are fun! 😈 Kidding aside, you also have to make sure that you’re guy is happy. Wag kang adik na puro pagtatampo at pagpapacute lang ang alam. Be random, be mysterious, be unique but still be you. We are all different individuals so it’s up to you kung pano mo papasayahin ang bf mo. You know him better than I do, so for sure ikaw nakakaalam kung pano sya papasayahin. In my case, I believe in “if you can’t beat them, join them”. Adik sa dota ang boyfriend mo at nahahighblood ka? Girl, you do not have the right to take that away from him dahil yun ang source of fun nya. Magdota ka din, magdota ka ng magdota ng magdota, yung tipong hindi na kayo nagkikita. O kaya ayain mo ng puyatan, straight one month walang tulugan kakadota. Tapos pag inaway ka smile ka lang at sabihin mo “ayaw mo ng boring, ayaw mo ng pinagbabawalan, your wish is my command, isn’t this F-U-N?”
♦️Nainlove sa iba
Yeah it’s possible. Men are people too, may puso, may feelings and sometimes, sometimes lang, hindi maiiwasan na maiinlove sa iba kahit in a relationship pa. Pano ko eexplain ito? Wala akong nainterview na nagbigay ng matinong explanation sa ganitong scenario. Why? Because when you fall inlove, you freakin’ fall inlove, no ifs, ands, buts, whys, it’ll just hit you like a lightning, sudden and without warning, boom inlove ka na pala. However, I do think that you cannot fall inlove with anybody that easy kung guarded ang puso mo and sabi nga, hindi ka magmamahal ng pangalawa kung talagang mahal mo yung una. So mga ginoo, kuya, mga boys please don’t tell your girls na mahal mo sila pareho. Echusero ka masyado pag dalawa silang mahal mo, sabi mo lang yan. Anyway,eh ano kung mahal mo sila pareho, ang point is, pareho mo sila sasaktan. Muslim ka ba para magdala-dalawa ng jowa o asawa? Pa-convert ka kaya? You cannot have the best of both worlds. You cannot just think of yourself. That’s downright selfishness. In this case, you are nothing but a shallow, selfish bastard.
Girls, mga ate, let us not deny the fact na possible talaga na mainlove sa iba ang boyfriend mo kahit kayo pa, kaya it’s up to you to maintain that love between you and your guy. When in a relationship, we often think na hindi tayo mahal ng bf natin pag hindi nasunod trip natin. Again, makikitandaan, wag kang adik. The world does not revolve around you and your bf has his own life. Yes things have to change to accomodate your new status but that doesn’t mean na parang the martial law has been impossed kay bf. I have a girl friend who would always panic when her jowa seemed different at hindi ganon kasweet gaya ng dati. Inuulit ko, your bf has his own life. Napapagod din sila, nagkakaproblema, sumasama ang pakiramdam kaya wag praning na hindi ka lang mareplyan eh iisipin mo nang hindi ka na mahal, magseself pity ka na at mag eemo. For crying out loud, do not effin’ do this. Nagkajowa ka lang bumaba ng self esteem mo? Love yourself above all, when you do, there’s nothing your guy can do but admire you even more. Strong-willed women tend to end up in a long relationship kesa sa mga emo. Guys hate it when girls go cuckoo over them to the point na ganyang self pity na ang drama mo. Sabi nga ng isang friend ko, pagod na pagod na daw sya magpaliwanag sa gf nya pero ayun cry cry pa din like there’s no tomorrow si gf. Life is already stressful, wag mo stressin bf mo, maiinlove talaga yan sa iba. Remember, wala ka sa MMK kaya bawasan mo ang drama, that won’t help you keep your man. In fact, baka yan pa nga ang dahilan kaya sya nainlove sa iba. So, chin up and show him what you’ve got and what he’ll miss kapag pinagpalit ka sa iba.
♦️Lakas ng powers ni ate number 2
Tukso is everywhere. There are men who are blessed with strong self control at kaya nila ihandle sarili nila regardless kung mag strip naked ang babae infront of them (idol!). But we all know that not all of them can control. Some men, and this my friends is backed up by Science, have higher libido than others and cannot control themselves as far as tawag ng laman is concerned. I am a girl but I can’t help it but stare on fellow girls blessed with voluptuous bodies, eh ano pa kaya ang mga lalake na nilikha na karugtong ang intense na paghanga sa mga magaganda at sexy diba? Imagine your bf, marupok as he already is, being seduced by ate femme fatale… Eh di yun, cheater, cheater pumpkin eater ang eksena nila.
For the girls, here’s my question, what are you going to do? Let go? Fight? O mag emo? We all are different and what’s easy for some might be the hardest thing for others. Some mga ate fight for their love, some mga ate do not let the jerks control their lives and they carry on like nothing happened. Personally, I’d put up a damn fight first before I give up. That does not mean however that I’m ditching my self-worth and allowing myself to be trampled by one lousy cheater. Most of us think highly of ourselves kaya may mga ate na no-no-no na talaga kapag niloko sila. I used to think highly of myself but as time goes by and as I learn, my perspectives changed. Atin pong tandaan, ang mga lalake ay kagaya din nating mga babae na naghahanap ng TLC (tender loving care). I know a lot of women na very feminist (old self, guilty!) ang peg at ang tingin sa jowa ay alipin imbes na prince charming at laging sya lang dapat ang tama, sya ang inuuna at sya lang ang may karapatang magtampo. Palaging “ME-ME-ME” ang drama, ate si Kris Aquino ba ang idol mo? My point is, OO tang**a ng mga manloloko, pero kung kilala mo ang boyfriend mo since simula at bigla kang niloko, it’s high time you check your relationship kung ano nangyari at biglang may 3rd party. PERO, kapag nakita mo na ok naman kayo at nagawa at nabigay mo lahat pero niloko ka pa din, ah ibang usapan na yan. Time to pack up and leave that son of a *****, sabi nga “you deserve someone better”.
At para sa mga ate na 3rd party, as much as I understand na tao ka lang din at nagmamahal, hindi ko kaya tanggapin na wala kang utak. Sorry ate pero ganon talaga eh, wala kang utak. Maraming babae na nagmamahal ng taken na pero hindi naman sila tanga at nagpapadala. Hindi ba pwedeng maging emo ka na lang at mag emote ng “it is better to love you in silence for in silence no one owns you but me”? At saka, sure ka ba na inlove ka? Pag summer mainit, pag tag ulan uso ang fungi kaya pag nag-iinit o kinakati ka, pacheck up ka, baka buni lang yan o kaya heatstroke na pala naku lagot ka nakamamatay yon. Pag wala ka pampacheck up, mag caladryl o benadryl ka, proven and tested yun, 100% itch relief at maligo ka araw-araw. Wag kang manira ng relasyon ng iba gaga ka. Tandaan, digital ang karma.
♦️ KSP ang leche (LOL)
To love and to be loved is human nature. Sa Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (Psychology ito), kasama sa most fundamental and basic needs ng tao ang love and belongingness. Even Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial development (sa Psychology ulit ito) eh focused mainly sa effects of social interaction sa ating development and well-being. It is our innate emotional need to be loved, to be appreciated and to belong. At syempre pa, pasok sa banga jan ang ating 4th reason as to why men cheat. I always thought that men are like toddlers. They crave love, attention and care (pero di yan aamin naku!). They want to feel independent and yet kelangan dapat lagi sila alagaan at pansinin. Sabi ng isa kong friend ( na naman), nakakapanlamig daw kapag laging busy, laging galit o laging walang pakialam ang gf kaya ayun, they cheat lalo kung yung isang ate eh maalaga, malambing at alembong (lol). Like a toddler na mom ang most important person pero pag may ibang nakapansin eh dun naman todo magpapapansin, ganon din sila. You may be the most important for him but if you do not satisfy his needs and you do not make him feel loved and secured, may pagtatampong magaganap kaya they would jump to the next person na willing na pansinin at alagaan sila. So girls alam nyo na, pag either naglalambing o nanlalamig ang jowa nyo, bigyang atensyon, magmadali bilhan nyo agad ng candy or else lilipat yan kay isang ate (babalik din naman yan sayo kaso share na kayo ni isang ate kay bf, ewww!) 😜
♦️Takot na mag-isa kaya need ng assurance (number 2) kapag nag break kayong dalawa
Of all my friends na natanong ko, kahit isa walang umamin dito. As I’ve said, I have a couple of male friends na, although dear to me, masasarap pagsasapakin because they play with women’s feelings. So there, my friends served as my study, (peace! Love you!) 😈. What I did was observe and listen intently to every word they say. I had to ask same questions repeatedly everytime na makikipagchismisan ako, minsan rephrased, minsan inulit lang after a couple of days. I have always been fascinated with human emotions and so I cannot help it but hear things in a different way and give meaning to them and most of what I heard made me come up with this conclusion: those who cheat are most likely scared to be alone.
So when it happened to me, yes, I got cheated on but that was nothing but a mere memory of the past, the first thing I asked when my mind was able to function well was not “why” but “takot ka ba mag isa kaya humanap ka agad ng iba?” I got NO for an answer so I asked again,
“Could you tell me kung ano iniisip mo at naramdaman ng maisipan mong gawin ito?” And this is what I got: (not verbatim) “ang alam ko lang andyan sya nung time na kailangan ko ng kasama. I didn’t know what to do, all I knew was everything was falling apart and all I could ever think of was to have someone beside me to help me forget all the pain” to which I said, “ok, so takot ka nga mag-isa kaya ka humanap agad ng iba?”, and this time I got yes for an answer.
According to studies, women are more adept in handling matters concerning emotions. Although mas madalas makita na babae ang umiiyak at nagbi-breakdown, kapag maging ok ang babae, ok na talaga whereas men tend to hold things off and not think about things. They space out, they get busy but when it hit them, they’ll crumble but we won’t ever get to see them in such state because our crooked society made us believe that crying is a sign of weakness and men are not weak. They bottle things up inside and resort to immediate solutions, gaya ng pag cheat kapag hindi smooth ang takbo ang relationship. For some, cheating is the last resort para ma-survive ang pain.
But then again, that is just an excuse kuya! After all, we live in a free world and a democratic country, pwede magsalita. Sabi nga, if you’re not happy, why cheat when you can just leave? Yes takot ka sa mga mangyayari, you want to hold on kay gf at ayaw mo maghiwalay kayo pero nasasaktan ka ng todo kaya hanap muna ng magpapasaya sayo. Kuya, do you think na maayos pa kayo ng girlfriend/wife mo pag nalaman nya na niloko mo sya? There is no excuse for cheating. It is and will never be a mistake because cheating is a choice. Choice mo yan kuya kaya tanggapin mo ang consequences.
Bottomline is, kahit gano ka pa ka-hurt o ka-sad kuyang manloloko, cheating is cheating, walang justifications. Sana maisip mong leche ka na kung ikaw may problema at issues, ganon din yung girlfriend/partner mo pero niloko ka ba? Hindi naman diba? Kaya please, save your crocodile tears.
And for all the girls, women, mga ate na may hugot at relate dito, virtual cheers, hugs and kisses! 😘 Cry if you must. Scream if you feel like screaming. Feel the pain. Weep till you bleed. Burn till you’re nothing but ashes. Fall down. Then rise again from the ashes, from the pits of hell, from nothingness, from the darkness. See the light and be reborn. Never ever forget who you are just because you’re heartbroken and devastated. You are, you have always been great, nakalimutan mo lang dahil nag shift sa iba ang attention mo. Take this chance to remember how great you were and when you do remember your greatness, you will smile and thanks God for letting you see how wrong that guy and that relationship was. Being cheated on is not easy and you’d need time to heal for yourself to be whole again but once you’re able to surpass that blackhole of an emotional mess, believe me, para kang star na magniningning. Shining, shimmering, splendid brand new you. Sabi nga ni Laida Magtalas ng It Takes A Man and a Woman, braver, stronger, fiercer you, hello version 2.0.
It is not easy but forgive anyway. Forgive those who’ve hurt you, forgive yourself for being weak and stupid. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself be hurt, used, trampled down, and cheated on. Smile, and when you do, the universe will conspire and reward you with a new hello. Kalimutan mo ang ex mong manloloko. Tingin ka sa paligid mo, ayan naku kumakaway na ang true love mo! 😝😄
3:30 in the afternoon and here I am, acting all weird and suspicious. I’ve been sitting in the car for more than 2 hours now. Found nothing weird yet?
Well, I am in the car, in the middle of what looks like God-forsaken parking lot. Why? That I could not tell you because I, myself, am not sure what I am doing here.
I’ve been driving and running errands this morning. Then snap! My switch turned off and all I ever wanted was to be alone and inconspicuous. The mall, for some reason no longer appeals to me, neither does my usual source of happiness ( walmart, superstore and winners store where I usually shop till I drop, not that I spend lots, mind you. You see, I am a deal hogger, clearance sales are my thing, how cheap could I get right? don’t judge, you!)
So, scrap all the glorious deals and whatnots. I went in the car trying to figure what I want to do and where I want to go. In a town so small, you can only go somewhere so much. 2 hours passed by so quickly and here I am, lurking in the parking lot, checking people out, listening to Ellie Goulding.
I did move the car though after an hour or so. The sun was right on me and direct sunlight is one of my pet peeves (hey did you just roll your eyeballs? Meanie! I get it, you love the sun, everybody loves the sun except me.)
So, facing a different direction and enjoying a new view (yeah right! More like old brick walls, cars and snirt or snow and dirt, that disgusting, messy, ugly looking snow when the weather starts to get warm and all the frozen things start to thaw, snirt. (Ha!)
There I was, trying, for once, not to think of anything when I saw him….
He was dressed in black boots, black jacket and jeans. A little knapsack was hanging on his left shoulder. He’s this new guy in my uncle’s workplace. He is from Ukraine and he barely speaks English.
I was looking at him, probably with a frown on my face ( I can’t tell alright, I wasn’t looking at myself in the mirror). I was trying to figure out where I was and which part of town the hotel, where he and my uncle work, was located and where he actually lives.
My eyebrows automatically shot up when I realised that he lives on the other side of town and he has barely covered half the distance he’s ought to walk.
How do I know these? Well, once, my uncle and I gave him a lift to where he lives. That day, I was screaming my head off and my uncle was laughing like crazy; he was annoying me by purposedly driving the newly washed car in the puddles. I paid for it and I tell you, $12 for a carwash isn’t cheap so you could imagine how hurt my feelings was. And he, Mr. Ukraine, was just there. Sitting so quietly as if he exists in an invisible world and as if we were behaving ourselves and not making a ruckus.
Looking at him made me feel uneasy and sad. His head was bowed while walking, he sure looked quite dispirited. Then I remembered that we, uncle and I, also saw him yesterday, walking.
I also remembered asking my uncle what’s up with Mr.Ukraine. My uncle said that he always, always walk to and from work except on the rare occasions that both of them are on the same shift (then Mr.Ukraine gets a free ride).
I couldn’t quite believe it. I can’t imagine him walking that long mile on a nippy day. Dude, one does not simply walk in Alberta on winter. It’s a frozen hell, it’s madness! But what can I do right?
I also asked my uncle how on earth was it possible for him to come over to Canada when he clearly cannot speak english but before I finished my stupid question, a thought struck me that I had to bit my tongue on purpose. He came here under humanitarian grounds because there’s war in his beloved country. I was so ashamed of myself that I wanted to bang my head with something hard. That was very, very insensitive of me, really thoughtless. Sometimes, I just hate my big mouth.
So, Mr. Ukraine is all alone in this foreign land, with no one to talk to because he cannot speak english and barely understands it. God knows how he feels but life is life and I suppose he is doing his best to live.
These random thoughts occupied me for quite some time, while I was watching him walk till he’s walked so far I can no longer see him.
Then I smiled, then laughed real loud. So silly of me, to ever worry about some stranger. A huge stranger for that matter, literally because he is probably three times my size. Someone whose built screams “survivor of life” can surely look after himself right?
Then I had this crazy thought so let me apologize first before I go ahead humilating myself. Please understand and don’t judge. When all you see in the news and social media are nothing but activities of the fearmongering extremist groups, you can’t help but be paranoid. I really hate to admit it but despite my sadness, a small voice at the back of my mind was saying “what if he is a member of the ISIS?” (I’m sorry, I am being racist and bad).
Come to think of it, these small non-physical encounters are usually taken for granted. Life is so busy that we all forget to actually “feel” other people. In this age of social media and technology, compassion is no longer heard of. It’s all about “me, myself and I”. Narcissists are being born every single day ( I must say I was guilty of being narcissistic but hey, I am trying to change and trying to be better.)
Tell me, when was the last time that you’ve care enough for someone other than your loved ones and friends? Have you ever sat and pondered how other people are doing? When was the last time that you did not think of yourself? Have you ever stopped doing what you’re doing and try to understand why a person behaves the way he does? Have you ever felt other people’s feeling just by looking at them?
I am not saying that I’m great and all. In fact, I am quite as bad as any woman with a bitchy attitude out there. I used to not care and give a damn on everything and everybody. But times change… and I suppose, this is what growing old and hormones do to you. You become sensitive, aware and nosy (ha!). Or maybe it’s just because I’ve read so many books about humans plus the fact that I’ve been so alone for what seems like forever that now I have gained a little understanding about feelings and I have become attuned to other people. Oh well, perhaps I am just getting even more absurd and totally losing it.
I used to judge people base on what I see and now I’ve realised how awful of a person I must be. Thinking of Mr. Ukraine just amplified my shame. You do not judge a person by the appearance, that is one thing I am trying to instill in my stubborn mind.
Being from an Arab descent or a Muslim does not equate to being a terrorist. Race and appearance should never be a basis of judgment. Stereotyping is so overrated and by the way, who are we to judge?
Wouldn’t it be nicer if we could all understand and feel one another? A person could be wearing diamonds, the nicest clothes and shoes but could feel very empty and sad. A person can have everything but still feel all alone. And, a person could be alone yet content, complete and at peace.
Funny how contemplating and being attuned to your innermost self can make a person receptive to other people. Finally, I see some goodness in me (God I hope so!). Now the problem is, after being so uncaring and unfeeling for what seemed like forever, I have become a nosy person (not that I really pry and meddle with their affairs). I care…so much that just by looking at a person makes my mind wander and imagine what kind of life that person is living. Looking at people makes me sad . I need to see a shrink, don’t I? Yes, yes, I see you nodding your head in agreement.
I’ve never acknowledge it but imagining Mr. Ukraine’s situation, the palpable truth finally dawned on me. The world we live in is a sad and tiring place. We get up in the morning, rush for work, get tired, go home, have a bit of “me time”, go to bed and basically that’s all there is to it. It doesn’t really matter what race you are, where you live, where you’re from, the cycle is the same for everybody…and it just goes on and on and on.
I wonder if this is all that there’s to life. This isn’t quite right. Something is definitely missing.There must be something out there, somewhere that could snuff out this sadness.
And definitely so, there is absolutely something out there that can make what seemed to be a senseless life full of sense.
Close your eyes.
Open your eyes.
Look around you.
Listen to the wind.
See the world in a new light.
Appreciate the small things.
Declutter your mind.
Turn to Him.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.Be still before the LORD and wait patientlyfor him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret–it leads only to evil.For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land. A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found.But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace.The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them;but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming.The wicked draw the swordand bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose ways are upright. -Psalm 37:4-14
30 minutes past 12 on a Friday night and here I am typing away and writing a blog. My life is pretty boring right? Come on, don’t judge! 😉
What was I supposed to write again? Right, something about Amsterdam.
Well, what better way that to start with the journey itself, hey? I boarded, feeling all kinds of emotions, on a wide body KLM aircraft and was a bit unlucky to be in the middle of the middle. A huge, two passenger aisles aircraft and I end up there. Some luck I have! It was really a bummer as it was such long flight. I could have done some clouds viewing but no!
Oh well,it wasn’t exactly that bad. In fact, I had fun watching movies on my own monitor and again, don’t judge, I thought I overindulged myself, how can one not when all those oh so yummy foods paraded the aisles ever so often?
The flight from Manila to Amsterdam was roughly about 14-16 hours. It was loooong, too long for my poor arse! By the time the aircraft landed, my whole body was feeling antsy and I was more than ready for a long walk, a couple of stretching and probably some jumping jacks.
Then of course, immigration stuff and baggage search was up next. Nothing much to divulge about it except that the airport was pretty clean, deserted and very quiet I thought I was on a creepy movie (it’s me and my ungrounded phobia on ghosts and supernatural beings, silly me)
So, moving on… It has been almost 4 years and I can still smell the sweet, crisp, i-don’t-know-how-to-describe-that-smell, cold breeze when I first set my foot outside Schipol Airport, the airport in Amsterdam. Chilly! Bbbbrrrr! Despite the nippiness, I couldn’t help but smile. I said to myself, “taray iba pala talaga ang hangin sa abroad mabango”.
The rest was, of course, countless adventures, miles and miles of walking, nonstop gallivanting and lotsa lotsa learnings.
Below are some photos, excuse my being unsystematic. I’ll be posting some more but I think I can no longer go any further. I can feel my eyelids getting heavier by the minute plus my neurons decided to shut down and not cooperate with me anymore so I guess I’m gonna hit the hay.
Dus, dames en heren, doe-doei! Ik ga slapen. Goedenavond allemaal! (Pardon my dutch… These are but traces of what I remember. Feel free to correct me. Bedankt!)
So… Here we go! Blogging huh? So not me but oh well… I am, for lack of a better word, extremely bored.
Most of the time I have so many things going on in my mind that sometimes I feel like a bomb about to detonate.
Furthermore, I have been trying to “find myself” for ages. There were times that I would just sit and stare blankly into space, figuring things out about myself. My sister can play the piano, she can also draw (and I meant draw not doodle and shit). My brother is a genius, no kidding and as for me, well…
Let’s see. I cannot play the piano, I tried but gave up after 5 minutes, screw it, that wasn’t my thing. I used to draw, I attended a special arts class back when I was a snotty little girl but now, uh, I don’t think drawing is my thing either. I am aloof so definitely no public speaking for me. I love buildings and clothes but I can’t just quit on everything and go back to school to study Architecture, Fashion Designing or Interior Designing ( let’s just say that I have big responsibilities, big enough to stop me from doing any of these things). I used to be a Science wiz but what good would that do to me? I am not a Scientist and certainly not planning to be one. Hell, I don’t wanna end up in a mental institution for trying so hard to match up with the real geniuses. So yeah, I am nothing but a speck of mediocrity in this universe, existing for the sake of existing but not really living.
Then a friend told me to try blogging because he thinks that I have the knack for writing what’s on my mind. I highly doubt that. Me? A writer? Damn that’s one good joke. I’d say, I can write sentences but I can never write something good and interesting but blogging, yeah why not try it.
I’ll blog to let out pent-up emotions, unspoken words and whatnots.I’ll blog for my own sake and not to impress others. I’ll blog whatever I feel like blogging. So, I said to myself “what the heck!”. And voila, welcome to my very first post. 😊
A word of caution, this blog is utter nonsense, if you are looking for something intellectual, educational or some helpful write ups to make your life happy and simple, let me apologise, you have stumbled upon the wrong site. This is made purposely so I can maintain my sanity, calm my nerves and make use of my ever rusting, deteriorating neurons. Even so, rest assured that it won’t be completely a simpleton’s rant or mindless babbling over petty things. 😊
So, dear reader (oh you, come on now, give this to me and let me think that somehow, somewhere, someone’s actually reading this blog), please bear with me and my “yapping”. I would really appreciate it if you leave comments so that I would know what’s up and where I’ve gone wrong, whether I’m being rather uncouth or stupid. Lastly, grammar nazis are very much welcome. I know, I am full of flaws but that won’t stop me from ever learning and trying because only when you try can you really fly high.
Thank you, buckle up, let’s go!….onwards to the cyber adventure! See you in Amsterdam (my first real blog).